My daughter is 18 months old, and I still can’t give the ‘right’ answer. Yet we are happy, and very well rested. How can this be? Because we sleep in the same bed. “Family bedding”, or “sharing sleep” is how this increasingly common practice is now known.

Horrors! you think! What about squashing the baby? What about you and your partner’s sex life? How will you ever get the baby out of the bed?

1. Squashing the Baby

You only need sleep with your baby one afternoon to realise how ludicrous the fear of rolling on top of your baby is. You are so intuitively aware of their presence, even in a deep sleep, that such a danger is preposterous. Of course there can be dangers, such as too many pillows, or perhaps intoxicated parents (chance would be a fine thing!), but I believe there is a significantly lesser chance of the tragedy of cot death if you are constantly with your baby throughout the night.

And sleeping with your baby means that you become so in tune with them, that you usually wake just before they do, and you are ready to feed them back into a cosy sleep. All from the comfort and safety of your own bed. None of that debilitating feeling of being dragged from the depths of sleep, and having to get up, walk down the hall, feed the tiny baby then try two or three times to settle them back into their cot, only to have them wake and cry once they are lain down.

As far as I can understand, babies naturally wake at night for at least the first two years. Teething, cold, hunger, loneliness, bad dreams and illness are all contributing factors. So in my opinion, the best way to get a sound night’s sleep is to surrender to the inevitable, accept your child’s waking and invite them into your bed. A good night’s sleep is therefore no longer a night without interruption, but a night with minimal interruption. Dealing quickly with a baby by your side often has no impact on your fatigue levels.

2. What about sex?

As regards the sex issue, I personally found that if you associate the idea of sex with your partner, rather than the marital bed, romantic opportunities are as good, if not better. Little nooks can be set up around the house to ensure that there are plenty of comfortable places to re-connect with your partner.

3. How will I ever get baby out of the bed??

The last point perhaps bears the greatest consideration. Yes the baby will eventually sleep in their own bed, but it may take several years. You need to be comfortable with that reality before you press ahead with family bedding.

There are all sorts of ways you can approach the move from the family bed. One way is to introduce a mattress on the floor of the bedroom, and little by little move it into your child’s room. Another is to have a double bed in your child’s room, and a king-sized bed in your room. S/he could start the night in their own bed, and come into your bed later on as the need requires. Eventually they will move on, but it may not be until they are 2, or even 6. One thing is for sure - they will leave when they are ready, and they will very rarely come back once they have received their “fill” of nighttime parenting.

Over and over I hear of parents talking about how their child slept through the night from 6 months, but now at age 8 or 9 is still a regular nocturnal visitor. An unfulfilled need does not go away!

I suppose for me the deciding factor about family bedding is that I saw my choices like this:

• Put my child in a cot and get up to them each time they cried (exhausting)
• Put my child in a cot and eventually practise controlled crying (emotionally exhausting)
• Put my child in bed with me and enjoy them while they are young.

I did actually try controlled crying once. It was absolutely hideous. I know the technique works if you can stick at it, but I was never comfortable with how it would affect my child, or more importantly, how it would affect my relationship with my child. It is only fair to add that I do know children who have been “controlled cried” as infants, and I can’t really see any particular effects in them as pre-teens. Perhaps I may review that when they hit their teens and twenties, but life is a complex and mysterious business and there are many factors which determine how a person will grow. I stress that for me, much of my parenting is about how my child and I relate together.

The reason I tried controlled crying is that I had some kind of fantasy that family bedding would make parenting easy. It doesn’t matter which way you approach parenting, it is hard, hard work in this society, so ill-equipped to support the work of dedicated, underpaid parents.

But that is a whole other topic...

This is the era of choices in parenting, and it is important for parents to find the way of being with their baby that is right for them. Some people would find it impossible to sleep with a baby in the bed, others may jump at the chance of never having to get up at night.

Like all choices, it is best if you are fully informed before launching out into the great unknown. Family bedding is a bit out of the ordinary still, and you are unlikely to find too much support from your family, friends, and medical practitioners.

Here are some excellent resources:

Books:

The Family Bed by Tine Thenevin

Three in a Bed by  Deborah Jackson

Night-time Parenting by William and Martha Sears

The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff

Attachment Parenting by Alison Granju

Support Groups:

The Family Nurturing Centre 9482 4154

La Leche League International :