All new parents invest large amounts of time and energy in their newborn child, especially their first. Each subsequent child seems to receive more by osmosis and less by direct contact and instruction. That’s the reality of a busy family with parents who have other tasks in addition to parenting their children.

One of the areas that I have found parents to either ignore, be unaware of, or too nervous to tackle, is that of their child’s emerging sexuality. It may seem odd to begin to discuss the topic in regard to a newborn child, but our sexuality begins at birth (if not before) and remains a part of us until we die. To promote healthy sexuality in our children, it is paramount that we as parents acknowledge this aspect of our children from the day they are born.

At the moment of birth, many newborns will be able to be placed at the breast, that soft, warm life giving part of our mother that feels so wonderful. Any child who has been breast-fed for an extended time will form a deep attachment to their mother’s breast. They will unconsciously put their hand down inside their mothers shirt and naturally hold the breast as though for comfort and reassurance. It is so normal and natural and sexual, though not in the adult sense of the word. It is as though that inner part of who we are is in some way deeply satisfied when we can touch that part of our mother with which we are so familiar.

When you have a spare moment, watch a child who touches his mothers breast and see how quickly and quietly they will settle in their mothers arms as they do this simple activity. It is as though their soul is soothed and their inner needs are gratified.

Probably the second most common happening in the life of a newborn is nappy changing (though every mother probably feels it happens far too often!). It is a time when we have our bottom cleaned, rubbed, warmed and swaddled in fresh smelling nappies. Perhaps we have had time to luxuriate in some warm sunshine first and feel its radiant heat on our skin. Even as adults, this sensation of the sun on our buttocks is very sensual  - try it some time!

The simple energy transfer from the sun to our skin stimulates the skin receptors and arouses the senses. Whilst a child is not thinking and receiving these sensorial stimuli in a sexual way, it is causing pleasurable sensations which nurture that inner core that is linked to our sexuality.

You see, sexuality is about who we are as human beings. It is an integral part of our physical, emotional and psychological well being and it is not something we can switch on and off. It is always with us, even in infancy. When we begin to consciously acknowledge this in our children, we start to provide them with a solid basis of self worth, positive self-image and confidence in relating to others.

Consider a child by the age of two: he or she has had two years of breast or bottle feeding, two years of baths and nappy changes, two years of being touched and held and stroked and cuddled and loved. Two years in which hopefully all the positive reinforcements from the parents have started to make a significant impact.

It is also the time in which language is developing and when children are copying and role modelling themselves on their parents. Each time we interact and speak with our child, we convey both verbal and nonverbal messages. For example, when we change a child’s nappy, we use touch that conveys how we are feeling. If we are feeling good we are gentle and careful. A different message will be received when we are rushed and irritable, perhaps in the early evening or middle of the night when we are tired and just want to go back to bed.

Likewise, the words that we use at this same time add impact to the message. I have seen many parents talk about their son’s willy or doodle and express embarrassment or concern when others see their son’s genitals. Likewise a girls genitals are rarely called a vulva and labia but something else which is often unintelligible (the vagina is not seen so why we call everything down there the vagina is a mystery really!).

Why is it we call an arm and arm, or a leg a leg, but when it comes to the genitals, we call it by silly names that reflect a completely different message? When we fail to use the correct anatomical words, we convey a message that implies we should be embarrassed or in some way feel guilty or wrong for having this part of our body. It is bizarre when you stop and think about it. In a time when we have virtual nudity on our beaches all summer long, we cannot simply call a penis a penis and the vulva and labia, the vulva and labia!

Only when we start to convey to our children that every part of their body is beautiful, that they only need to use the correct words and that there is no shame in doing so, will we start to engender real sexual health in the future generation.

Using a personal story, my son is almost seven and he has only ever heard me use the correct words and speak openly and positively about his body. Whilst he has learned all the other terms at school, he always uses the anatomical words at home with me and is relaxed and confident about his body. I cannot prevent him from learning how others feel about and refer to their bodies, but I can always offer my guidance and views in the hope that he will value them over and above those of others he will encounter in life.

If each of us endeavour to start early and be conscious of our child’s sexuality, then bit by bit, we will build a world where there are ever more young people who have positive self esteem and body image – something many of us in adulthood still aspire towards.  I wish you good luck!

By: Dr Joanne Samer

Dr Joanne Samer is a General Practitioner and experienced professional speaker on medical issues.  She is a Director of Sex Ed Matters, training and speaking on sex and medical education for the general public and health professionals.  She is weaving her years of experience in the area of sex and sexuality into her life’s passion.  Her vision is for a world in which sexuality is seen as another natural part of being human, a world in which we are able to maintain sexual health and harmony, bringing the love back into relationships.  Dr Jo’s experiences have culminated in a vision of sexuality and relationships education which will impact upon us all.