We primarily learn how to listen
as children, by being listened to. The reason we have so much
difficulty listening is we have never really been listened to!
Advice giving, problem solving, analysing, comparing your own
experience, being ready to jump in with your answer – none of this
is listening. The most important aspect of true listening
is that we don’t want to change a person’s experience – we want to
understand it. By trying to change or even minimise what a person
is feeling, we help them to overlook themselves. The only
way this can be prevented from happening is for them to be
listened to without judgement and be given the opportunity to go
deeper for personal understanding. This takes great sensitivity
and interest on the part of the listener.
As one client put it “Being
listened to allows for self-evaluation of what is happening inside
of yourself”. When we are simply allowed to feel how we are
feeling and have that reflected back by someone who is sensitive
to us, the muddle we are in has an opportunity to unravel itself.
When another person jumps in with their questioning, advice,
opinion or experience they interrupt this essential internal
process, it can be quite frustrating because you have to start
thinking about their question. Another client described not being
listened to as “having a door slammed in your face”.
How many times do you use “Don’t
worry”, “It’s not that bad”, “That’s just the way they are”, “Why
don’t you..?”, “They didn’t mean it”, “No you don’t [hate me/your
teacher/Jimmy”]. This is not listening, it is our opinion.
Listening is the most
crucial and yet the most difficult element of personal
relationships.
To listen means:
• Look for the emotional content
of what is being expressed and reflect that back
– “you sound angry”; “you seem disappointed”;
• Say nothing but maintain your
interest – say “hmmm”,
“right” or “okay” if you feel really uncomfortable saying nothing;
• Repeat back what the person is
telling you in your own words
– this shows your understanding of what they are revealing.
The trickiest part of listening
is to ignore our own personal feelings, beliefs, ideas or opinion
about what someone is saying or revealing, especially when dealing
with those close to us. We think we know the person or the
circumstance, but we can’t know the effect or the feeling. Try to
remember that words are not important, it is the feeling from
where they are coming from that is the most significant aspect and
you can find this out simply by listening.
A child might say “my foot is
sore” and through the process of listening you discover that the
kids at school have been bullying because of their new shoes -
many such surprising examples have come to light through the DIY
Parenting Courses.
Don’t just say something – stand
there! See how difficult it is to just listen and be receptive.
So have fun listening and
observing how often you don’t listen or aren’t listened to!
By Clare Christie
For visitors from Perth, Western
Australia
Special Offer
Please contact me if you think
that your Playgroup, Day Care or School would be interested in a
free 2-hour role-playing workshop on “How to listen”.
This would be
a childfree talk at a convenient time with a minimum of 5 people;
it’s great fun and very enlightening.
Parenting
Course dates are:
Tuesday 14th
January 6.30 – 8.30pm
Saturday 18th
January 10am – 12pm
The DIY
Parenting Course covers different topics every week over six
weeks.
Please contact Clare Christie on
9228 9520 or
chrispit@iinet.net.au
to be placed on the newsletter mailing list. You will receive
monthly parenting tips as well as workshop, seminar and course
information.
