Parenting, Stress, and Family Survival
by
Ruth Taylor - Community
Educator, Relationships Australia (WA)
Most
parents-to-be will now voluntarily attend antenatal classes to prepare for
labour and delivery. Over the past twenty years, this has become a socially
acceptable training, even seen as routine prenatal behaviour.
Unfortunately,
social attitudes as yet do not support parents attending relationships
skills building courses to assist parents to strengthen and deepen their
couple relationship. Parenting today in our complex “anything goes”
society is a challenging occupation. Parents can empower themselves by
attending these courses to build a nurturing family environment that
supports them and their children to learn, grow together and survive the
increased stress and conflicts of parenting today.
Parents
who are responsible for the day to day caring for constantly changing,
growing, active children will inevitably experience differing levels of
tiredness, anxiety, frustration, anger, interruptions….STRESS!!!! Some
days everything will seem to go wrong! Parents of children with disabilities
or special needs will face even greater levels of stress.
Most
parents want their children to feel loved and loving, capable and respectful
to others. Children learn through their experience. It
is very difficult for a tired, angry parent to be effective in communicating
and expressing love, encouragement and respect.
Self-care for Parents
A
child’s need for feeling loved and secure, for developing a sense of
self-discipline and responsibility as well as for praise and recognition,
are best met when parents feel good about themselves, when they feel loving,
loved and supported in a strong committed relationship.
Children
will generally feel loved when a parent freely chooses to give time and
attention to listen, encourage, play and/or work with them.
Parents
also need to feel loved and we now realise the importance of relating to
one’s self with love by giving time and attention to one’s self. A
parent needs to set aside some time each day for his/her self to relax and
just be, or to do something that is personally fulfilling or enjoyable.
Parents
who have self-care as an equal
priority to caring for partner and for children experience high self-esteem
and self-respect. High self-esteem increases one’s capacity and choice to
give and receive love.
If
a parent looks primarily to a partner to give what he/she needs to give to
his/herself, the usual outcome is disappointment and resentment towards the
partner. Negativity, feeling alone and distant, and even rage, may be the
result.
Honesty and feelings of connection
Research
suggests that families in which parents and children feel a strong sense of
belonging and connection actually experience less stress around conflict and
difficulties than other families where members feel alone and disconnected.
If the parents feel connected and in tune with each other, they tend towards
agreement regarding expectations and consequences of their children’s
behaviour, their children tend to feel secure and may even display more
cooperative behaviour.
In
order to develop a strong connection in their relationship, partners need to
share honestly and to speak their truth with love and care for the other.
The consequence of honest, loving communication for the relationship is
increased understanding, respect and deepened feelings of intimacy.
Today
we all need to develop the ability to own our feelings, communicate our
needs and make requests clearly without inferring criticism or blame on our
loved ones. Most of us did not learn this vital relationship skill in our
family of origin or at school.
Ability to resolve conflict
The
biggest predictor of divorce is the avoidance of, or inability to resolve,
conflict. Why would someone avoid conflict? Perhaps they are afraid of being
dominated, defeated, shamed, humiliated, losing face, made wrong? Sometimes
partners are unknowingly reacting and speaking to each other in ways that
trigger these feelings, particularly in times of stress. Raising issues of
conflict with the intention to find positive mutually satisfying solutions
is crucial to moving towards reconciliation and rebuilding trust with your
partner.
Usually,
resolving conflict involves defining the issue, hearing each other’s
concerns, collaboratively looking for solutions and working together on
helpful actions.
Parents
can equip themselves to consciously and lovingly respond in stressful
situations by attending training in relationship and communication skills.
They will then feel confident to set clear boundaries and limits, resolve
problematic issues as well as maintain a feeling of care and respect in
their relationships.
A
paradox of couple and family relationships is that the usual outcomes of
resolved conflict are deeper feelings of connection, trust, respect and
intimacy in the relationship!
Quality relationships - working together
Giving
time and attention daily to your intimate relationship reminds you and your
partner that you are valued attractive adults, not just a child minder or a
bread winner.
Parents
need to listen with a willingness and intention to understand their
partner’s view without judging their partner - they do not need to agree. To listen well
is not easy and learning to listen and really hear what another person is
saying is a major component of communication skill training. Parents who
give focussed attention and really listen to their partner are putting love
into action. This usually results in their partner feeling safe and open to
listening in turn.
Some researchers now
believe that it is more beneficial for parents to focus on improving the
quality of, and communication in, their committed relationship than to gain
skill and information on parenting.
It
is also a worthwhile investment for each parent to spend one-to-one time
building positive relationship with each child on a regular basis. Children,
who feel secure and respected by their parents, have less need to gain
negative attention by misbehaving.
Building
a sense of ‘team’ as a couple can greatly reduce individual stress loads
and increase the likelihood of parents feeling supported. Working as a team
could involve: couple meetings; sharing household tasks, chores and
childcare; contributing to and managing finances; and collaborative decision
making on family, friendship and community obligations. Family team building
is best achieved through family meetings with each member feeling valued in
the family process. Meetings are opportunities for family members to
practice listening, feel safe about giving feedback, discuss and negotiate
rights and responsibilities, resolve conflict and creatively explore family
recreation activities.
There
is a common saying, “The family that plays together, stays together”.
Making time for recreation and fun activities for couple and for family can
only add strength to family bonds.
Family
rituals deepen a family’s sense of connection and community. They need to
be intentionally created and honoured throughout the years. They remind
family members that they are valued and important. A ritual could be as
simple as an early morning “I love you”.
Special Time for Parent Relationship
A
regular date just for the parents without children offers the opportunity to
recharge the primary relationship battery. Couple dates are a great
opportunity to live in the moment, share up-to-date personal experience and
focus on the positive attractive qualities of each other. A shared
commitment to set aside private time combined with the courage to be loving,
honest and creative with each other are the essential ingredients to being
able to enjoy mutually satisfying sexual experiences.
Families
are in a better position to survive the stresses and challenges of
parenting today when their members feel a strong sense of relational
connection to each other. When parents learn how to listen and communicate
clearly, honestly and lovingly to each other and to their children, they
empower themselves to build families that can not only survive but also
provide children with the tools to create and be successful in their own
lives and relationships.
Relationships
Australia is a non-profit community service agency with a mission to enhance
relationships through providing counselling to individuals, couples and
families as well as relationship education for people who want to develop
and enhance their relationship skills or want to become a more effective
parent. For more information
you can visit their website at www.relationships.com.au
or WA people can phone 9489 6363.
REFERENCES
Biddulph,
S. (1993). The Secret of Happy Children. Harper Collins: Sydney
Covey,
S. R. (1997). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Allen &
Unwin: Sydney
Pringle,
M. K. (1975). The Needs of Children. Hutchinson: London
Family
Life Marriage Conference, (1995).Detroit, Michigan, November 10-12
Fiese,
B. H. & Hooker, K. A. (1993). “Family Rituals in the Early Stages of
Parenthood,” Journal of Marriage
& the Family,” Vol.55, No. 3, August.
Goldberg,
W. A. (1990). “Marital Quality, Parental Personality, and Spousal
Agreement about Perceptions and Expectations for Children,” Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, Vol. 36, No.4, October.
This
article originally appeared in last month's edition of Birthplace Magazine.
To find out more about this wonderful resource go to:
http://members.fortunecity.com/birthplace/organisation/aboutus.html
|
