Why is it when a child whines, cries, behaves aggressively or acts in some way we don’t like, we react? Do we react because the behaviour is unacceptable or because of how we feel?

For example: Do you find that sometimes your child’s crying doesn’t affect you, but when you are tired or busy it drives you crazy and you just want it to end? The child may always behave the same way; it is how we are feeling at the time that will determine how we react to their behaviour. What this clearly illustrates is that the child is not the problem – our reactions are.

It is therefore essential that we learn to recognise when we are trying to alter the child’s behaviour in order to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes we feel okay and their behaviour is okay and sometimes we feel upset and our child bears the brunt of this. This inconsistency is very confusing for the child. It creates the illusion that the child is responsible for how the parent feels and leads to fear, uncertainty and defensiveness. When a child’s behaviour makes us uncomfortable, they may have a genuine need, but we’ll be unable to respond because of our judgement of that behaviour. It is at this moment that we miss out on the opportunity to understand our child and ourselves in greater depth.

Our reactions are based on our conditioning, opinions, judgements, beliefs and the behaviour in ourselves that has been most suppressed. If you were allowed to whine freely as a child you would be able to respond appropriately today to your child’s whining. Tantrums, whining, crying, biting and hitting are all perfectly normal stages of the development of a child’s self- expression. Our inappropriate reactions to these behaviours ensure their continuation well beyond their need. Even when the child has the ability to express itself more clearly, they will resort to these behaviours because it gains attention. It is immature on our part to blame or judge a child for behaviour, which through our reactions we have taught them is effective.

In order to end this confusion we need to drop our judgement of the behaviour and really notice our feelings, objection or reaction to it. It is not until we know where we are coming from that we are capable of understanding where the child is coming from. You can usually be certain that if you feel disturbed or upset that you are confused and reacting. If there is no confusion you will simply respond.

An essential element of relating is that we understand ourselves and our reactions and bring an end to connecting our feelings with the behaviour of others, thereby projecting our disturbance back on to them.

A key component of the DIY Parenting Course is to assist you in this self-discovery.

By Clare Christie 2003

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