Love and Discipline
If
you were one of the unlucky ones to have missed Steve Biddulph’s recent
tour here’s a snap shot of the Love & Discipline seminar from Brenda
Winstanley. Brenda is the
mother of two beautiful boys and is a huge fan of Steve Biddulph.
Words of Wisdom
“Individual
truth” – your way of raising your child is the right way.
Stages of development
0
to 12 months - Dependent
Your child is very dependent on you –
you need to be dependable.
12
– 20 months - Counter Dependent
Relaxed struggle – you are relaxed while your child struggles.
20
months onwards - Independent
Which lasts about three weeks when they are 19.
2
to 5 years - Lessons of life
Children need to learn that they are not the only person in the world.
5
to 12 years - Teaching
How to do it right.
12
onwards - Puberty
Whole body changes / be very understanding.
Puberty takes kids back down to the dependent stage, i.e. at 13 they
are 1 (very open and you can re-bond);
At 14 they are 2 (struggle again – prove again you can trust).
Two
kinds of love:
Soft
love - is the ability to be relaxed, warm and affectionate.
Firm love - is the ability to be kind but firm with kids.
To
improve love – slow down and put in time.
Discipline
Be
flexible when disciplining.
Babies you need to divert and manage until they can talk.
Stand
and Think Method:
1.
Preparation – ask yourself – what’s wrong
here? What do I want them to do
to fix it? In other words, have
a clear goal before you start.
2.
Learning to stand and think is a skill in itself.
With a young toddler, it is enough to take them to the spot you have
decided on, and then stand back a little.
Tell them “You have to stay there until you are ready to agree.
You can come out when you’ve calmed down”, or if you are holding
them “I’ll let you go when you calm down”.
At this age, as soon as they show signs of relenting, or mumble a few
words of apology, let them out. Make
it easy for them to get it right.
3.
As children get older (2 or 3 plus), the
conversation they have with you gets more important.
Remember they have to convince you that things are going to be
different. They have to
“talk their way out” and convince you they can act differently. Another good name for this is dealing. They are learning to deal.
Tell them their task: “Stand
there and think about what you did to get into this trouble.
As soon as you’ve figured it out, I’ll come and we’ll talk
about it.
4.
The dealing conversation.
Ask them:
a.
“What did you do?”
Owning up to one’s actions is important.
b.
“What were you feeling or needing?”
c.
“What should you have done to meet your needs?”
Do they know a better way? Have
you discussed this before? Perhaps
you will need to teach them. For
example, maybe they could join in a game others are playing, use a timer to
share a toy fairly, put toys where a baby won’t wreck them.
d.
“What are you going to do in the future?”
Getting a commitment.
e.
“Show me”.
Go ahead and do it right now – get it right this time.
5.
Aim for a happy ending.
The beauty of “dealing” properly like this is that the issue is
resolved. You invest some time
right now and the problem need never recur (well, maybe once or twice).
You’ll know that this was successful because you end up feeling
better, and your child feels better. Everyone
is redeemed.
Discipline
with your eyes open.
Practice being calm and respectful.
Breaking the mould.
You
gave your child life; they gave you your heart.
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